Hi my dearest,

 I went to see you on your birthday, even though I don't think you were there, but it's the only place I could go to. Although it's only been 3 years since your passing, I felt like I have lost you for much longer. Guilt consumed me for the longest time, and deep down I despised my younger self, saying words that hurt you even if unintentional, to the extent that you stopped replying to me ever. Perhaps that's when I lost you. And I never get to make amends ever, until it's too late. What an irony. Here I am seeing you as my closest friend in life, yet fucking things up at end of day. I could have done more, reply better, be there, be more persistent, put in more effort, but I didn't. Perhaps it won't change what have happened, but, I can't even say I tried. 

It hurts to think that I never really know you deep down, or cared to understand, it hurts to read our texts in the final years before we broke apart, in the long texts and emails we sent to each other, you reached out to me as much as you could, your suicidal thought, your physical pain and anxiety attacks, your family issues, to all of which I didn't know how to best respond, how to make you feel better, I didn't do enough, in fact I did nothing. End of day the barrier between us grew so big, it killed us off eventually. I felt like I stood in front of this giant wall, I never understood it, even until today. 

I don't think of you on daily basis, but when I do, I get reminded the horrible person I was. I wonder if I deserved to tell you I have missed you so much. Cos this might as well just sound like a joke. Your family have been very kind to me, I visit them sometimes with Jw and baby J, I wondered what if they found out how useless I was someday for their daughter, I felt in debt to them for thinking that I have been a good friend of hers all these while.

Ah, this kinda sucks. I can't even end off wishing you a proper happy birthday, cos it's far away from that..