Identity;

Oh no dear pill0w, it's been half a year since we last gather here. It must have been a considerably long period because I had to resort to 'forget password' to get in. I wonder why you didn't cross my mind. Not that I was busy from head to toes everyday either, seems like the only logical reason is that I have forgotten about you, about my old self before the birth of xiaobao. 

Well, xiaobao have grown a lot since then, to the extent we have been calling her ahbao instead. She learnt many new skills, you know, things we could easily do instinctively, ahbao has practised with each passing day, on her own journey of mastery in her own pace. She is coming to 9 months, and have recently unlocked new skills to clap her hands together, to wave at familiar people in the house, to move wobbly along furnitures, babbling 'baba' 'mama' 'dada' 'ahah' all the time. I'm trying to be as detailed as possible in describing these, for I fear we might one day forget that she used to be just a baby. Just like all of us were, once. 

As s first time parent, I guess we could hear a lot from others but never be truly ready and be sure of what was going to happen. There were probably tiring nights and tough times with a cranky baby, but thinking back I feel really fortunate that I never ever felt alone in raising/taking care of ahbao. It's almost like uhm, a sense of comradeship when lnr and I trying to survive the initial days/nights together without our confinement nanny.  

Anyways, what I actually wanted to say is, after 8+ months I think I'm slowly finding myself back again, a little each day. Being a mother on one hand which is unescapable,  but also being myself on the other. Most notable changes/events are physical and tangible: things like being able to run again, to complete the usual yoga routine, seeing my body slimming back down, getting back to the self care routines. While others are more mental or spiritual? There are things and hobbies I want to keep up with, even after becoming a mother. Tbh we have great help from PP on both baby sitting and house chores minding, which freed up a considerable amount time for me to, well so called be myself. Just like now. 

In the days ahead, I hope to always keep a part of myself in everyday life, while exploring the 'parent' identity together with lnr and ahbao. And always remember that, the best time is now.