Hello there;

Here I am, sitting on a gym ball, coming back to the good o' blog. 

Why?

Cos I finally feeling in the right spirit, both physically and mentally to recount and pen down some thoughts. Thoughts on, yes, a new member joining our lil family coming Nov.

Since entering adulthood or even marriage I was never a strong advocate to have kids. Reasons typically being those you and I have all read in the news or on social media. Lost of personal freedom, cost of child upbringing, and also partially personally not quite/never ready to give birth to a new life which will be a long time responsibility, if not for the rest of our life.

Maybe it was the long period of holed up at home since the pandemic, the lost of travelling opportunities, and other unknown factors. We decide to let nature take it's course this year, and well, nature seized the opportunity and responded fast enough indeed. Aha. 

I don't think I am ready at week 15 now, nor will I ever admit that I am ready confidently. But looking at things it's no longer an option to back out. So, Que Sera Sera? 

We found out at week 5, which is pretty early. Let out a long scream followed with tears of not able to comprehend the new fact of life. Followed by intense staring into space for the rest of the night. Not a single cell in me was prepared although we did indeed decide to loosen up. There were quite a bit of mental stress built up when I did not feel happy or ecstatic at all, it was a lot of how now brown cow even though objectively speaking, I shouldn't freak out cos it was simply a case of 天时地利人和. 

The worry/guilt in me subsided subsequently because in the following weeks, I was overwhelmed by the 1st trimester symptoms crica week 8 to 12. It was a long month of lethargic, nausea and random hungers. I felt tired from the moment I wake up and regurgitating most of the food I took in. Thinking back it was such a blessing that I could work from home and move between bed and study room flexibly. 

The symptoms slowly toned down from week 13 onward although at week 15 now I am still trying to find my pace back from doing nothing, or put nicely, resting? Or perhaps finding a new pace going forward, slotting in some prenatal exercises so that I stop feeling too anxious about being still while my body balloons up slowly and unavoidably. 

I wonder if this means it is adulting for real. And if I have to let go of the child in me? I wonder if the child in me can coexist with my new role as another child's mother (still give me chills using the word on myself). I wonder if I could stay sane all the time. I wonder where will this new ride lead us to in life.

Most importantly, I wonder when my next overseas holiday will be?! 

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Side note. 

One thing I would like to remind myself is to be thankful for Lnr's patience and love given during this new phase. Small act of services like making me late night snack regardless of the ungodly hours; bringing me the gynea prescribed supplements when he realize I have not taken; for automatically refilling the cup when he notice it runs out; for always checking on my mental and physical health; for trying to come back earlier than usual from work. All these seemingly minute and mundane tasks gave me a sense of reliability and happiness being together everyday. From the bottom of moi heart, thank you for loving me.