I thought about you. I forgot your are gone.
It's been more than two weeks since you have left the world. But the number no longer matter, since it wouldn't change the fact that I have truly, lost you. Or have I lost you way before this, when you sent me that very last text in 2017, or even earlier, when your physical and mental health started to deteriorate in 2014...
It's hard to pen down my thoughts and feelings. I am afraid to think about it, it constantly made me recognise how there could have been many things to be done, and perhaps in just one of the many alternative realities, you will still be here ,you will still be my friend. I could sense the same regret from your parents when we talked, how they wished they have done things differently to save their daughter. But we did not,or maybe even if we did, I don't know, will it be different?
Every thought now is horrible. I'm sorry. I miss you so much. I'm sorry that I didn't know how to help you. I'm sorry that my words were hurtful. I'm sorry that I didn't try more. I'm sorry that I move on. I'm sorry that I have lost you. i'm sorry that I could no long text you. I'm sorry that I have never called. I'm sorry that I did not wish you on your birthday this year. I'm sorry that I didn't know better how to be there for you. I'm sorry that I called you my best friend but yet there was so little I have done. I'm sorry that you have suffered in pain alone. I'm sorry to have made you no longer trust me.I am sorry.
but it's so fucking useless to be sorry.
It pains me that you had to go, but maybe this is just the selfless me speaking. For I don't know about your pain, how much it must have hurt that you had to swallow ten over panadol a day, how you couldn't sleep on countless nights, how physically and mentally tired you were everyday, how strong you have already been the last few years.. But dear I don't know about you, but I never quite believe in an after life. They said that you are at a better place now, that you have let go of your physical body in this world, to a place with no pain. They told me to wish you well on the final journey and to no longer worry. Deep down I feel like it's a white lie that we tell to those who are alive, to make peace with ourselves in the belief that it's been the best for those that left us first.
I don't know what is my point anymore, if there is even one to begin with. Everything is just a mix of regret and sadness whenever I think about it, about us. I may have to take a long time to think over.
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