10-10-10

“Choices, numberless as grains of sand, had layered and compressed, coalescing into sediment, then into rock, until all was set in stone.”  - Tara Westover
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Staying home on an otherwise working day. Giving myself ample time for internal monologue again. One thing that I have been pondering lately is how difference am I now, compared to myself 10 years ago. I mean I am still me in person, but really am I?

10 years ago - 16, schooling, had some interest in handicraft and art, hopelessly entangled in a toxic adolescent relationship yearning to be loved, struggling with confidence issue and being very self conscious, met the closest friend ever happened to me, showed signs of minor recovery from the rebellious teenage girl I was before, but still never gave the future any good deliberation.

10 years later - 26, working in public sector, picked up pole dance, social dance and more recently painting. married to a reliable and soft spoken man who gives in to me almost all the time, have come to care and appreciate my body a lot more, still has self esteem issues, estranged from the then closest friend, maintaining a healthier mother-daughter relationship from a safe distance, still unsure about the future career path or specialisation if any.

Just by laying down some quick descriptions I could think of, I guess I hadn't change much after all. Except there is definitely more self love, less volatile emotions, a bit more directions in life albeit it's nothing professional/career related. I wonder what would the 16 yo. me felt if she could stand before the 26 yo. me now..maybe I could have guessed easily, we are the same person after all.

Here's the 26 yo. me to myself 10 years later then.. Regardless, may you find your own recipe for happiness and be genuinely contented most of the time. May you not be swayed by the societal norms and remembered who you want to be. May you not be wary of age and continue to transform everyday into a confident, wise and knowledgeable human being.

Ah, staying on screen the whole time is making me fatigue. Signing off for now.