Self critique.
I don't think I have ever felt so inferior until I have started working. Yes I was the last few percentile in VJ, my CAP never went over 4.0 all the four years in NUS, I never scored a single goal during the 2 years in soccer, I have seldom compared myself to others, at least not academically. But the working environment was a big reality check, I started questioning myself a lot. Why was I so inefficient? Why do I feel incapable and lost a lot? Why do I take so long to find a damn email in the archive?
Ofcause I know the answers very well too. Inexperienced, poor computing skills, lack of a sharp mind, horrible memory, nervousness. There is a lot of flaws and shortcomings I see in myself through work, through living with lnr. Sometimes I wonder what went wrong while I was growing up. It's definitely unfair to infer that my mum/aunt was slack in discipline me, the effort and time they have spent on me was overabundance. All the beating and scoldings I've received from making careless mistakes at mathematical test, at being forgetful, at being unfocused. But leopard didn't change its spots, unfortunately. I wasn't moulded into a smart bright young lady.
So why. I spent a lot of my past time wondering about everyone else. Why do some people behave in certain ways, why did they become who they are today. Why are there different kinds of people. I analysed their family background, their social economical environment, their possible personal encounters and personalities growing up. But the most important person I have forgotten to breakdown is eventually myself. But rather than digging deep into the past, I should perhaps look forward on how to improve myself to become more likeable, to myself.
I felt like everything is forming its shape as a reflection of my past habits, and it's time to correct every bad habit of mine, one step at a time. I'm going to need self criticism a lot down the road.
Ofcause I know the answers very well too. Inexperienced, poor computing skills, lack of a sharp mind, horrible memory, nervousness. There is a lot of flaws and shortcomings I see in myself through work, through living with lnr. Sometimes I wonder what went wrong while I was growing up. It's definitely unfair to infer that my mum/aunt was slack in discipline me, the effort and time they have spent on me was overabundance. All the beating and scoldings I've received from making careless mistakes at mathematical test, at being forgetful, at being unfocused. But leopard didn't change its spots, unfortunately. I wasn't moulded into a smart bright young lady.
So why. I spent a lot of my past time wondering about everyone else. Why do some people behave in certain ways, why did they become who they are today. Why are there different kinds of people. I analysed their family background, their social economical environment, their possible personal encounters and personalities growing up. But the most important person I have forgotten to breakdown is eventually myself. But rather than digging deep into the past, I should perhaps look forward on how to improve myself to become more likeable, to myself.
I felt like everything is forming its shape as a reflection of my past habits, and it's time to correct every bad habit of mine, one step at a time. I'm going to need self criticism a lot down the road.
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