30

Laziness has griped the better of me, everyday I am marching a little towards retardation in life. There is no goal to work towards, there is no mission to fulfil. Everyday I spent just enough time for my basic daily internal struggle of what's for breakfast to what's for dinner, every week I start a fresh new page in my note book on the to-do-list at work, every few week I feel the urge to do some shopping, every few month I want to get away from the country for a while.

Y' know. Just a really typical life I am living everyday. Good appetite, good health, work life balance, non quarrelsome families, lots of things to be grateful for, cosy home, loving husband, money in the bank, food on the table, clothes in the cabinet. At the same time, no thrills, no surprises, no motivations. I used to be searching for the purpose of life, but the last few months I just gave in and live life as it slips by. 

There are colleagues in the office just received their 45th year of long service award from the organisation. And me leading up to a life like that? Oh god pls no. And ny lil sideline the arcandcrate? Fire has burnt out and I am just living in denial everyday reluctant to pick it back up and move on. I felt half fucked about it. In my reluctance to pump in more money onto the online marketing, my lack of commitment in bringing in more stocks and making it a success, everything is slowly pulling myself away from it and trying to bury it away. And to do nothing is obviously the easier choice of the two. Shame on me, I know.

I have been through a lot of half fucks in life. I know I know. My barely touched Ukelele, my watercolors that never seems to improve, my three years long pole dance lessons, my almost beginner level photography skills, just to name a few. Master of none. Nothing to be proud of. It's a comfortable life, but nothing to be satisfied about. Quarter life crisis? How apt. 

I hope to become a better person that I could be proud of someday. I'm engulfed by so much negativity in life all of a sudden. Boo. Maybe some yoga now will help.