30

It was a hot afternoon, I squeezed my way out of the crowded shuttle bus, made my way into the lecture theatre, passing through rows of unfamiliar faces before settling down for my class  on nature & society. 

Somehow this scene has been ingrained in my mind lately, and I often found myself replaying that particular afternoon in my mind for no particular reason. I can no long remember what was the topic that day, or even what was my score for the module at the end of the day. In fact I could no longer remember my exact CAP when I graduated just barely half a year ago. And this is definitely not the only thing I have forgotten. I have lived through 8400 unique days thus far and I wonder how much do I remember about everything that have happened thus far. I remember watching big scale cny countdown show in China with my grandmother on the eve, I  remember my buttocks hitting the floor hard when my aunt taught me roller blade during autumn when the swimming pool drained away all the water, I remember the time that the wide world was a strange concept to me that I couldn't grasp, I remember the day I took aeroplane with my mum coming to Singapore and greeted by the humid and stuffy hot air on a November night, I remember fighting with my mum all over the place throwing tantrums, I remember having my young and fragile heart broken the very first time, I remember my best friend from secondary school that we have stopped talking for couple of months, I remember when I  first noticed Lnr at Obar during my summer part time, the times we spent impressing each other, the day I got proposed to in the presence of important people in our life, the moment we made our vow and became legally married, the night we spent four hours fixing up the shoe cabinet in our first home.

The list is non comprehensive, considering the vast amount of thing that have occurred, I wonder if there are, or should be any meanings attached to the days I have lived by so far. For the memories will cease to exist when I am gone someday, hopefully not too soon. Though life is unpredictable indeed I have never imagined myself going away any time soon.I guess most people don't think of such morbid thoughts on a daily basis. It will mark my 3rd month at work on the following week, and while I am still grateful for the job opportunity, I am truly feeling the strain on my life before work, I have stopped thinking so much about anything and everything, I skim through the newspaper every morning and the articles seldom linger in my mind for long. Night time been short and precious, days ends before I had a chance to stop to ponder a bit more about life. It feels like I am  just following the motion on weekdays, clocking the hours at work, coming home with a sum of money on the 12th of every month. And where did all the money go? I don't know. Some to the fashion industry, a bit to F&B, and the rest hell knows what. Groceries? Dates? 

I don't think I am or I  should complain about my life now. But I just wish I would think a little more to just getting by everyday and let life slip by slowly bit by bit. Instead of, feeling tired all the time. I think this is just an excuse to not get my brains working. I should be doing much more. I  wonder if the 10 years old me will recognise the me today when she saw me, she was a talkative chubby girl in class trying to be cooler than the rest, got rejected when she boldly expressing her admiration to a boy openly in primary school. But the 24 adult version of her is almost never in the loop of the newest or hippest trend, got married to a man that she  deemed suitable and responsible at a young age, and  filled her mind with strange thoughts, growing increasingly numb and unmoved on societal issues. Sometimes she felt stupid for not knowing certain places on earth, latest technology, not having any specialised forte or area of interest that she is proud of. She never wanted to grow up yet she yearns to be seen as a matured and rationale adult at all time. She wants to be strong and independent yet she want a man to pamper her for the longest time she deserve, to be cherished and cared for all the time. She want to have her best friend back yet she has been avoiding to face her and take things forward.

She is still young, and living the best time of her life, but something is still missing.