10.53pm.

Almost an hour after I've came back home alone after dance class with Lnr. Took me an hour to finally settle down and pen down some thoughts that came into my mind this evening, of which I spent on replacing the dried up succulent for house warming this coming Saturday; pre-heat and bake the sweet potatoes for a late dinner/snack and breakfast tomorrow; cleared the rubbish bag that was left out by us in the morning; packed the newspaper left scattered on the dining table; fed the fishes and turned off the lights with slight hope that it will stop the recent algae boom in the fishtank and finally took a hot shower with music at the back. It's indeed all this small things in life that adds up, and that's also a slice of life for owning a house of our own, with that special sense of responsibility to keep it in a somewhat acceptable condition at least. 

I wonder how it was like for Lnr to have co-shared the space the past 4 months. Does he feel homed and relaxed, or does he feel restricted and suffocated at times? I think one thing we both learnt lately is the removal of personal space/time in the house. And I wonder if we are at our true self yet, I guess the answer is no for me at least. Living with another being seriously is after all different from being single, but at the same time I believe in the importance of having our personal time/space despite being married. Perhaps marriage is a concept that I have yet to grasp, or maybe never. I think there is a lot to learn and understand about marriage, and occasionally I get worried on if we are doing things wrong, if we are overlooking some minor cracks in everyday life that may accumulate with time, like a volcano that's building up pressure slowly day by day,  and eventually erupts. Some days I felt a little lost, if we are leading a healthy marriage, or we are ignorantly marching towards the opposite direction.

It's been six weeks since I first started my full time job and it's been taking away almost all my energy to ponder about life on weekdays, though I am still thankful for the job, for I thoroughly enjoys what I am involved in on weekdays, cliche as it sounds, I find it a meaningful job thus far that's in line with my career aspiration, and a lot of times I wish I will gain enough experience someday and able to articulate my thoughts better, giving my fair share of comments. I haven been struggling to not make work everything on workdays, I tried to hit the gym at work twice a work, tried to wake up earlier in the morning for Yoga, tried to stick with my weekday dance routines, I never wanted work to fill up all my time, and I'm thankful for the time I spent doing other activities. I think these things I do reminds me now and then that life is much more than just work. 

It upsets me a little that I have stopped pondering about life, the people and the society. What if I am indeed starting to become the kind of people that I despise in my younger days? What if I grew increasingly numb and lost the inner self in time? What if I stopped thinking and questioning? What if I'm slowly losing myself as I grow older? Will I find back myself in time? Or is all these transitions inevitably part and parcel of life as I age?