Hello society, it's me.

After 16 years of education, I'm now a free man stepping into the real world, or so they said. 

Things ain't good, nor that it's at its worst. My ideal bubble of securing a job by March didn't work out. And I conclude it's the three following causes: 1) low CAP 2) sub standard cover letter/resume 3) Poor economy outlook. Though these being said, life has to go on. Consider factor 1) and 3) are beyond my control, I could only focus on constantly buffing up my cover letter. Occasionally I have been falling into mini depression but thankfully I always managed to get back on track after a few days /weeks. Guess I have to be ready for a long and tough fight ahead, and securing something is just the beginning of everything else that follows. 

Woohoo, am I considered an full fledged adult now? Ah, where did all the time go. Well. Lately I have been trying hard to recall myself as a kid, as a teenager, as a fresh undergraduate whenever I come across them on the street. It's funny to think back how I was at those stage once, I was that chubby girl who used all her wits to snatch comics with her classmate; chased after the classmate with a scissors all the way into the boy's toilet after being called 'fat'; I was that long fringe- short skirt- ankle socks secondary xiao lianz; flipping school gates to skip school with 940; I was that freshie that get lost in Nus every single time, feeling enthusiastic about anything new. And I am also who I am here today, how should I describe myself in one line? I think I am now an empathetic yet cynical, positive yet pragmatic, average person that have not achieved anything that I'm proud enough to bring onto the table at the age of 24. 

And this isn't enough, I am not contented with myself at where I am today. I love who I am most of the time but I also think the room for self improvement is too huge to ignore opps. By now I figured that I am more self-centric than societal-centric as I thought I would be. I dreamt of helping others since young, I want to make an impact in people's life, when I was younger I wanted to be a teacher, to inculcate good values into students today; I wanted to be a social worker, to help needy families and improve their livelihood. But as I grew, I learnt that many times, people are full of disappointments, unreasonable and irresponsible, empty commitments and big talks, and I lost that very compassion I bear to the horrible side of things. I took a step back and wanted out of this messiness dealing with people, dealing with disappointments.

For a long time, I wanted to be in full control of the time I have, not that I made the best use out of them, but it often angst me when my time was spent waiting for others who doesn't seem to understand the meaning of 'commitment' or 'responsibility'. Hence I steered away from group-based communities in hall, I lamented about the disappointments from members when I was the soccer captain. And I am very much happy with my semi-isolated world today, I couldn't think of a big group of friends I am closed to but it's absolutely fine. I enjoy one-to-one chit chats a whole loads more, if not complete solitude. Over the years, I toned down completely from the loud and rowdy me in classes that can't stop talking, to enjoying alone time with myself. And from those moments I found myself, and I understand myself a little better than before. 

And in the long journey ahead, I would like to understand myself more bit by bit. There are much more I could and should be doing with all these solitude moments, like keep exercise as a daily habit, like practise more handwritten calligraphy and paint, like picking up Ukelele over and again despite my zero talent in music, like continue to read good books and news everything. There are still much that I want to do, and I'm still on my way of making myself into who I want to be. It really doesn't matter much being a little isolated from the rest of the world to me, oh well, should I get a little worried that I will become a really weird person when I'm into the 40s? 

I hope Lnr still wants me as I grew weirder, because Lnr is a good man that I adore a lot ever since I met him, not just as a lover but as a person. Ok I'm probably biased here but whatever heh. Against all odds, I am really grateful for having him as a constant in my life. :')