Sleepless nights.

It's strange how I lose the ability to sleep on some nights, and I start to get over worrying over everything in life. And slowly I get lost in all these thoughts and start to question everything about myself. I think this could possibly be a very common woe - feeling lost when you are jobless as fuck after three whole months of applications and you start to question your self worth. You start to wonder if this is what you are made up of, unworthy and zero value to the economy productivity, the capitalist society, or whatever it is out there.  You know there are certain things you can sugarcoat yourself with for self consolation, but you just can't get rid of that worthless feeling sometimes. And occasionally it makes me feel horrible that Lnr is the sole breadwinner in the house and his work has been rather rough and tough lately and there is nothing I could offer. Like I wish I could say things like ' let's look for something else if your job is too stressful I can support us for the meanwhile ' because I am in no fucking position to say it. I wish we didn't need money but we do very well. I wonder what makes up our self value at the end of the day. I wish I could be more confident of myself too but I guess I just really don't see the potential or capability in me. To put it crudely, after 17 years of education I am almost good-for-nothing. What a depressing thought. 

Ah let's try to sleep in again. 

And instead of whining here like the world owes me an explanation, it may be more beneficial if I could analyse on how to buff up my resume and put in more effort in the applications. Such is the loss of a 23 year old undergraduate feeling a little lost as she wanders outside the gate of employment. I wonder if what I am doing is right, massive spamming of whatever public service job opening that mentions 'general degree'? Or prepare and invest fucking lots of effort in writing a one times good one resume with the kind of 'I-must-get-this-job' kind of mentality. 

Maybe there is no right or wrong way of working around with this. 

Maybe I just need to sleep now.