Boo

I spent all my life seeking for love and attention from another person, but I never truly felt secured.
I believe in only myself.

I was 9, I've seen and lived through my mum's countless arguments with other man, just so we could save on the rents.
I was 17, I was told that my mum has no choice but to settle for my stepfather because she has a kid with her.
I was 19, I wish to be an independent person that can clear my own mess, settle my bills, and never have to ask for money from others.

I am 23, and getting married on the coming Saturday. The idea of marrying sounds great with the right person, but I still want to be perfectly able to take care of myself. Occasionally I may wish to be pampered with gift, but to ask for anything from anyone should never be the case. And this upsets my mum, perhaps she see her young self in me -  a stubborn young lady. But I don't like the idea of myself being subordinate or dependent and needy. Perhaps she is worried that I'm falling into ill hands, I wish I could articulate myself better but things always ended up so sour.

Or am I ready for marriage at all, or ever. Since I am always so defensive about money, or maybe I just feel this slight sense of uselessness and frustration that I'm not earning sufficiently for my own needs and wants and always ended up with a near zero balance sheet. Will this situation ever improve. Who knows.

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