Education.

Almost been a month, since I last come here, or rather I had tried to start on writing something many times, but everything seems to be in a complete mess, and I don't know what to say about. But some things, even if we chose not to talk about it ever again, we can't live our life pretending that it has never happened. There are so much things in my mind, yet there is nothing. There is a mixture of almost all the feelings in the word, all the emotions I could think of, I'm feeling a bit of all now. 

Two years hasn't been a long time, but it's 700 over solid days indeed, every single day of it. You asked how could two years meant absolutely nothing to me at all. Well, the answer is that it definitely did, but it did not change my perception of you, fundamentally. As we experience some things, we will learn that when we say 'we cannot be together', it simply means that in that particular time-space, we are not suitable for each other. And the supposed 'right person', does not limit to just being fond of the person, but also the right timing. It's never easy to truly understand a person. To be able to meet that compatible one, it's a overlapping of many factors: time, place, maturity of both parties, their knowledge about love and many other vital factors. 

You argued that it's not about matching certain qualities when finding a partner, I'm not sure how much I can agree to that. I may not have a fixed mould for someone to fit in, but I do have certain preference, perhaps it's a shadow of Jc, perhaps it's what I aspire to become, perhaps it's always going to remain as an ideal. But I know what I'm waiting for - someone that I trust enough to share my life with, knowing that life ahead will be filled with happiness. But I just couldn't feel that from you, when I think of future with you, many times the thought frightens me, the thought that I will regret choosing you, it's so deeply instilled inside my mind right from the start. 

You see love is just never fair. We can love a person so deep so much but the person doesn't reciprocate. What can you do? Nothing. It's not the state I want to see you in, I wish you could live a happy life without me, yes I may be selfish because I chose to give up on us, I choose to leave for my self-interest because I don't want to take the risk with you, it's too huge. And there is too much temptations out there. I don't want to wait till it's too late someday. Am I selfish? Yes I am. But you love me and you want to possess me, is your love a selfish one too? 

How do I truly feel now? I feel bad, I feel guilt, I wish I can get away with this, I wish I do not have to see how much harm I have caused to you. I wish I don't have to face your teary eyes, I wish I could alleviate your pain if it's within my capability. But I guess there is no way for that, there is no room for happy ending in a break up like this. I have to be harsh and firm, if I truly want to help you to get over me, I have to forget about keeping my image of being the forever-nice person and be more decisive and stern. 

When we were at Moon you said that you knew someday time will heal everything and I will not be as important to you anymore,and you don't want that to happen at all, you do not want to forget me, you do not want to erase me off from your life. It made me cry instantly, not because I want you to always remember me, but it show how helpless you were, how incapable we all are in front of time, we knew deep down that everything will be beaten by time, Time will wash all pains away and we will all move on. We will never be lovers again. 

I wonder if there is right or wrong in love, maybe not. But if there is, it's probably mine. I knew from the start that we will get to nowhere, but I was too coward to voice out, to stop everything before it turns out like this today. I don't know if you regret it, you probably will say no. But after seeing how much pain you have to go through now, perhaps I should have ended it before anything started, and you will not feel so miserable now. I wish you will learn to live with it, until it doesn't matter to you anymore.

You have reminds me a lot of myself recently, of the person I used to be, of the life I will never get back to. Guess you will never want to experience this again too. This is how we learn and grow isn't it, grow to be more protective of ourselves after we got hurt. I knew exactly how you feel now because I used to be in your position, or perhaps you are feeling worse than how I felt back then. I don't think 'I'm sorry' helps by any chance, but I still am. 

There are good times with you, if you want to know.

 I am thankful for all the memories, but sorry for the ugly ending it has bring.