Reflection

After I laid down my words a few hours ago, I went out for my first 半死不活 run after half a year that lasted for 4km. Gone are my running staminas for half marathon back then, fitness is so fair to everyone, you reap what you sow. ):

And somehow running becomes a good medium to make reflections about life, for one and foremost you can't be eyeing your phone while running. To keep my heart beating and running less dull, I started thinking about my life thus far. Which I deeply concede that doing reflection once in a while is quite importance to me, for it set a coordinate on where am I in life, what I have done right and wrong, as well as what to improve on in the future. During my short 30 minute run, I collected a few thoughts on the following broad categories about self: health, results, money, happiness and something new - Cooking. 

Health 

Health to me largely refer to my weight in the past, and recently my focus has slowly shifted to my fitness status. Being an overweight girl since primary school, trying to lose weight has been on my to-do-list for years. It took me few attempts to reach where I am now, I remember the 7 days magic soup that guarantees a 7 kg lost in a week; I remember eating nothing but apples for 3 whole days, I remember starving every recess and eat a pack of maggie a day during sec 2, which leads to me dropping weights but also gained them back once the vicious diet ends; I remember my strong determination during Jc 2 in hope to run a marathon with Jc back then, recording down every gram of food I ate, running everyday, boiling my own carrot & broccoli for lunch every morning during my 6 months of internship. It was scientific and logical, I shed 10 kg after 3 months, I felt proud of my achievement. But as much as I strictly control myself, there were bad days where I feel guilty for entire day for eating a little more, or a small bit of snacks. I blame myself for not having enough discipline, I gave myself no excuse for cheat meals, because I thought cheat meals were excuses for the weak. I thought that was my way of living for the rest of my life, and I thought I was right. After 8 months, I started binge eating and I couldn't stop myself, I finished a 20 servings big pack of coco crunch within an hour, I can't stop eating until I finished a whole loaf of bread in the middle of night, I ate packets after packets of sugar coated biscuits from the work pantry. Those were the most horrible nights of my diet journey, I binge every other day I was unstoppable and I spending the next day blaming myself for what I have done, I acted like nothing was wrong because people around were used to my Well-Disciplined image and I did not want to break that, I only dare to eat the 'junks' when nobody was looking, like I was a thief. The result of periods of binge eating was a gain of 5kg within 3 weeks. It was a helpless period, the vicious cycle of binge eating, feeling bad and leads to more binge eating. It took me some time to get out of it and fix it eventually after 3 months, and I've learnt a great deal about dieting, to never be too harsh on yourself and at the end of the day, love your body in all shape and sizes. Months after those dark days I starting eating and exercise moderately to lose the 5 kg I've gained and, maintained ever since then. It made me learn that it's not the end when we lose control of ourselves in life, but we have to pick up the courage to walk out of it. Frankly, I've never hit my dreamy scale of 49kg, but I'm living a really grateful and happy life with my current 54. There is of cause lots of room for improvement, I still have goals, but they are not numbers anymore, I would like to accomplish a full marathon, be able to do pull ups, and train up my core, be there abs or not. Because getting fit is not a destination, it's a way of life. :) 

Results

Since I've entered uni, I figured that I should not use the word 'study' to describe my life in Nus because to me, 'study' always has this connotation of 'being forced' or 'unwillingness' during the process. Instead, I believe that 'to learn' is a better phrase to use. To learn about how everything works around me, racism around the world, philosophy school of thoughts, oppression of power, Singapore's contemporary issues, life cycle of star and the universe, world religions, mortgage calculations for real estates. Just to name a few. Never in all my educational years have I got into contact with such topics, it was 12 years of circulating around math, languages and science. It was two past fulfilling years of learning new things about the world I live in, albeit not well reflected in my CAP. However, as much as I feel CAP is like a Russian roulette to play around with, I figured that given my geography major, I may really need a second lower honours to increase my chance of getting into the civil service. So, let's do it! Let's strive and soar keke~  

Money

Gave some thoughts on the value and importance of money too. As I internally try very hard some times to curb my urge of going after expensive brands. Is going after brands definitely a bad thing? What are money we earn for? As the traditional Asian value goes: we should not spend away all we have but to save up a valuable sum of our earnings. While the complete opposite was pursued by the Westerners. There is no right or wrong and it's all subjective but from the way I was brought up - 节俭是美德 I feel the guilt whenever I want to purchase something 'branded', and labelling it as a behaviour of being vain and superficial. But again, wasn't life about being happy? If purchasing an item makes me truly happy, is it still wrong? And the money we earn are ought suppose to make us happy eventually, maybe it ultimately depends on the next topic- what makes me happy?  

Happiness 

Pursuit of happiness - this is a very broad topic. For all that I have mentioned above are closely linked to happiness. It's a key word in life, and I personally feel that it should be the ultimate goal in everyone's life. How else could we celebrate life apart from feeling happy everyday? Recently my very good pal has mention to me about her happiness crisis which I guess I have not experienced yet, or rather never thought about it. If we are already happy everyday, there will be no worries about how to be even happier. Everyone's life is not a smooth journey, we have our up and downs, we burst our crying we get angry and lose our temper, we laugh a lot some days and kept quiet the entire day for the rest. But I'm happy indeed, happy being myself happy with my current status in everything. There are a lot of things that can make me happy most of the days, and to be to be happy means to be grateful and contented for everything. Yes I may have want that new watch, but not having it did not make me unhappy neither. And there are many things to achieve that would make me even happier; working towards my fitness goals, looking forward to work and receiving my pay some days later. I guess life can be made a lot happier if we have things to pursue after, to look forward to. Something like, the promise of a better tomorrow gives us hope. I hope that as I walk down my life path, I will never stop exploring new things, that I will always be keen and open to new stuffs, new challenges, that I will always have something to look forward to - making myself a better person. I have my flaws, everyone does, and that makes us human. I hope I live a life worth living for, that I will be contented when my life comes to an end someday.   

Cooking

Lastly something light, cooking is something new that I ventured in ever since moving into Sengkang. For there is no much food source available and most of the time I'm too lazy to move out of the house, especially during lunch under the Sun. And that leads to me stepping into the kitchen more often than toilet everyday. To be frank, my cooking skills is at beginner level. It was never my thing, I never liked looking at how people cook, all I ever cooked in life the past few years was during the period I was on clean diet, all I did was to throw bowls of freshly cut broccoli & carrot into the boiling water. In the past two weeks, I believe I have crossed a big leap in the kitchen, attempting to cook Chinese dishes, noodles and fingerfood, with the guidance of my friends most of the time. :') And I have learnt to pour oil into the pans with generosity despite recognising it as a fats-producer all the life. The other day I was attempting to fry some salmon for lunch, and sadly the seasoning was horrible and the salmon turned out so bad, it was that moment that I decide that I will practise more so that I will not make a waste of such great ingredients. ): So, many years of practising ahead, starting from how to tell if something is well cooked, to figuring out what seasonings to add for the flavoring. To the birth of the Great Chef Guo someday! :) I agree that cooking could be fun when treated as an interest instead of a everyday chore. 

And that sums my threads of thoughts during the run, and ofcause mostly after the run. :)