Lil ponders, lil wonders.

I do admit that I like to think a lot in life, not in the overthinking way but just to ponder over a million things around me. The usual ones that come into my, and perhaps many others' mind are questions like 'why do people behave so differently from one another?', 'why certain people behaves certain ways' and of cause 'hey, where is my meaning of life through my short lifespan of less than a hundred years here on Earth?' 

While the human behaviours can be explained by a list of cognitive, developmental or societal theories, the answer to meaning of life is never answered. And be it redundant or not, I always ask myself 'What makes me happy?' 'Is this what I want in life?' and 'How should I live my life the way I want it to be?' And at some points of my lifespan, I managed to summon an incredible amount of determination and work for my goals then, wanting to get into VJC was one, wanting to lose weight was one, and wanting to run a marathon with JC back then was one too. That was something good that happened I would say, that I'm always grateful to myself to picking up running, for whatever reasons it might have been. Yet these potions of will-power often runs out fast and slowly I sink back into my sluggish self, as evident by my could-have-been-much-better grades in NUS, and also my ever- present layer of fats around the lower abdomen, I guess these are the two things that I yearn to change but have not yet find the motivation to put them to actions at the moment. 

One thing I'm really grateful and conscious about is the youth I'm enjoying now as an undergraduate, you know, without the hassle of having to get married, to have children, to pay for bills, to face the stress at work, to have no or barely any time for myself. As much as I will never want this phase to end, time is running out, maybe that was why I tried out so much things: soccer, muaythai, yoga, and just recently, pole dance and ukelele. I don't know what I will choose to stay in my life in the long run, but I'm fortunate to be given the opportunity, as well as financially capable of supporting myself with all these, non-academical stuffs. Academics were never my priority in life, though I do agree with what Ali once quoted that as much as studies isn't the most important, it proves one's ability to discipline oneself. How true, if we can't even manage our own grades, don't bother talking about managing our own life. So in the coming semester that is about to start, albeit I have been making such vows every half a year, I will constantly remind myself to keep up with the school work and be on par at the very least, simply because I know I can do it. And also as much as I try not to think about it, I do think that result matters for at least to get into the workplace I might want to go, it's a stepping stone even if it doesn't determine what you will become in the future. And this is especially true for me, a non-entrepreneurship driven person, who seeks to find a job in the civil service sector that occasionally allows me to do some ground work and communicate with people. Indeed I don't have a big dream, but I would like to materialize this when I graduate in due time. 

2014 has been a smooth year, I don't recall any particularly happy nor sad day. I cried and laughed, met new people and, I feel as though I have lost someone so close to me, I have never imagined such things happening and I could have never guessed how detrimental thoughts can be to a person. For years, I see you as my closest soulmate, we shared so much memories, we had fun, and you have seen so much of me, if not almost everything. But something came and broke you apart, it went inside you and sucked your soul away, it took away my most beloved friend and I'm so lost, what can I do for you, to bring your smile back, to hear your chirpy voice again, to go and do all those dreams we shared. I love you, I love you no matter what, just like how I know you would love me back as well, i don't know how to love you, but I will always, always be your friend. Just like how you've seen through me but you still choose to befriend me. I miss you, you know, it feels like I have lost something precious, that my life has become so monotonous now.  

And that brings to me thinking that each one of us has so much secrets, that we are unwilling or too afraid to let others know. It is as if there are crimes and sins we commit that are unforgivable, but as I occasionally browse through anonymous websites posting their secrets, it seems that people's secrets are often repetitive and common. It's as if the society has set up a certain standard, a 'norm' that we have to abide, and anything that is out of the norm is deemed as 'deviance', 'unwelcomed'. And who then set these rules we ought to follow, the people with power, the people at the top of the social ladder, it's ridiculous and scary at the same time how they could manipulate people's mind such that people follow instructions blindly, without thinking. We stereotypes groups and groups of people that are different from us just to prove our 'superiority' against them, we despise and criticize people's actions when deep down we know that that's what we would have done too. We reinforce again and again these social norms in our daily life and we turned fictions into reality. We blamed the society for its ugliness but we ourselves played a vital role in forming it. I've lived my life trying not to criticise or gossip about others because I have learnt how we will never understand another person's actions, ''You never really understand a person unless you climbed into his skin and walks around in it' - quoting from tkamb  And also at the end of the day, who are we to point fingers? 'let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone' - As much as I'm not a religious person, I remembered this from the Bible.