Dearest me,

A closure, finally. 

Part and parcel of life. People would say. Yeah of cause, for every single thing that happens is part of our life. And in a distant future, I would think back and simply goes ‘oh yeah, I remember that’.  

1.5years isn’t very long to be frank, barely 2% of a lifetime. I met a whole new loads of people during this period, none like you. And you said, ‘it’s impossible to meet someone like me, because there is only one me. You can’t go around trying to replace me. You need to move on and find someone new. And don’t compare that person with me. It’s never going to work out like that.’

For all these while I always wanted to ask you out, but never had the guts to. This time, triggered by the guy with some resemblances, and also the 3 second of courage theory, and me being impulsive as I always am, the text was sent. 

No regrets. No regret on meeting you, but whole load of guilty for breaking the last string of trust someone else had with me. It wasn’t suppose to turn out this way. I thought of not meeting up anymore after patching and a dear friend responded, ‘wth is wrong with you, you lived all the past 1.5years wanting to see him and now you got the chance and you don’t want to anymore. I swear you’re gonna regret not meeting him and this whole fucking shit will repeat.’ True enough, it’s what I have always, desperately, wanted. To sort myself out, to put it down, to know what I want eventually. 

No butterflies in stomach, no heart beats racing. It was a moment of ‘uhhh there you are’ when we met. And we talked about things that happened, hall, family, friends, Uni, dates, relationships. After 3 hours of beating around the bush, I started frankly, that I always wanted to meet you but I have no guts to, that I want to really sort things out internally with myself, that I want to figure out what exactly I can’t put down from the past, that whether or not I’m just over idealising you adding in my own perception of you, that I thank you for all the positive encouragement and changes you made in my life, and that I din’t intend to meet you anymore but I should just trash things out. No matter how it ends cause God knows if we will ever meet again after all. 

And you din’t know how to help me, partially because there’s not much you could anyway, and also that it surprised you that I’m still confused over whether or not I’ve moved on, for I guess you probably stopped reading my blog after my declaration on meeting someone new few months back. Well these all just my guesses though. 

You are still the you I know, one that says ‘we should get out and do sth more interesting next time instead of just come out for dinner’, one that climbs over the condo gate beside Rochester park and sneak into their rooftop pool tgt. One that told me to ‘just be straightforwards and speak off whatever that’s on your mind. Din’t you say you always wanted to meet me don’t tell me that you have nothing to say now that you have the chance to.’ 

But you are not the ‘special you’ anymore. All the things you did, had zero relevance to me, unlike back then. Like what you said, you don’t feel the same way as you did back then, maybe it was time that healed everything and we kinda lived our own life after that. And we are both fine now isn’t it? 

Well. We are, i guess. It's in us, we are those people in a crowd that will try to live the best out of everyday no matter how bad it could be. We cherish what we have with us and not hog onto what we don't. And I like people like this, in general.  

okay Idk how to conclude now because I can't just come up with a list and say alright this is what I will do now. In fact I don't think there is any fix solution except to let nature take its course. But I’m truly glad that we had a talk like that and it at the very least, emptied all the things I carried with me all along, it’s like my views are cleared finally. I've got the answer, that you moved on. And you are happy. Good enough. :) 

But all these was done at the expenses of breaking someone else's trust in me, twice within less than two weeks. Making me a complete jerk, one whose words can't be trusted. I wish I could just move back home for a month or so to avoid the guilt whenever I see you. I truly thank you for your generosity in forgiving me, for the usual smile you gave when I met you earlier today and the light-toned 'Hello Junting', sigh, people are way too kind to me than the way I deserve to be treated. :')

And this was it. For now.