As the time comes,
“Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel.”
Today passed in a daze, it doesn't seem to register in my mind that I blurted the truth out, just like that. I knew it all along, yet it took me five months to finally stop hurting the innocent, to face my mistake. It's never a light-hearted task to end off a relationship, and I'm at a loss for words. Maybe I should type this some other day, but I could never possibly rest at ease without sorting my thoughts out. I'm putting myself solely blamed for this and open for all judgement with regards to my shallowness and heartlessness, we got to be responsible for our actions after all. Though frankly, damage to the heart could never possibly be mended.
Eye-candy; that's exactly what you were to me when I first met you back then. Nothing else crossed my mind, I sincerely thought we will just stay as that and we will smile at each other politely when we walk past each other. And then comes the first Soci lecture, we literally talked the whole lecture away though I have zero recollection on what we said, I was probably too caught up in the armchio-ness. And then there were many many talks after that, walks back to hall, heading out for lunch, arranging tutorials, helping out Sndc, rearranging my room, and then comes the night that we sat outside Macs and talked till the last train. About our family our past our secondary school our misbehaves our retarded moments in life. I remember calling 940 the moment I stepped into the train and I went 'holy fuck I think I like him and he possibly does too omg', and the rest didn't matter. I was blown away when we kissed like, my fucking eye candy is not an illusion but a reality. But soon I realized that you are, after all not the kind of guy I would want to be with in the long run, and it was all too late. Things escalated so quickly that I didn't know how to handle it other than being carried along the flow. And the next thing is that we are in a relationship. I tried to bring the issue up but me being the usual indecisive self didn't solve the problem. And back then I was too, cowardly scared of awkwardness in the future should I talk things out.
Don't get me wrong. You were wholly awesome as a boyfriend. Though the start wasn't smooth, I tried all my best to accommodate everything, stay cautious not voicing out anything that I dislike or got upset with, there were days I felt like crap yet said nothing about it. Well that's never the way a r/s should be. A r/s should made up of communications. And I tried, and we got better, I remember the period I started appreciating every little thing you do and all about you. I was thankful that you don't flirt around, that you spent as much time as possible with me, that you aren't demanding and track my behavior every second. But there're still days that my mind drifts away and I'm at loss of what to do. I guess it's really unfair to you. I tried to love you for who you are and I almost thought I did. Almost. Until earlier this month I had a dream, and I woke up crying for it felt so fucking real. And until few days ago I saw someone who felt, looks, and talks so much like Jc that every part of me got crumpled up. Maybe it's time to stop hiding it.
But til now I could never answer myself what do I really miss from the past,the person or was it purely regret of my own decision. Regret at the wrong choice I made, knowing that even if I did choose Jc we could have not worked out for a million other reasons. Either way I need to be responsible for my wrongdoings and at the very least end this off first, before the damage gets greater, for I could already sense how comfortable I am with you already, throwing myself on the bed without bathing, automatically carrying chunks of readings down to your room uninvited, smiling at you for no reasons most of the time, grabbing a bottle of honey aloe vera every chance possible, not sure to laugh or roll eyes at your retardedness and humor at times. Sometimes I wonder if all these aren't love then what is it, well. Who knows. I wish I could love you to the core too but I can't do it without letting go the distant past. It's unfair to you.
I have honestly no answer to the question 'so what do I do now'. God knows it's already been a year and half. The rest is for me to figure out. This is probably a crappy time to pick, spoiling your cny mood. I'm really sorry for every hurtful feelings I brought upon you, but I wish that you enjoyed my accompany as much as I did all these while. This is going to be weird, for we are project mates, attending same tutorial, going ocip tgt in June still. Well. Sometimes life's a joke.
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