Reality check.

Choose well: Your choice is brief yet endless. 

- Writer Ella Winter

Nothing is on my mind now, yet at the same time, everything is. With a million thoughts tangling and intertwining with one another, it seems that just as I thought I have finally emerged from the end of the tunnel, I dived into another pool of unknown darkness. ): This is going to be a somewhat depressing post, loathing at how irresponsible I am for my own path, university, career, and whatever that's waiting for me ahead.  

     

Seventeen quick days has past since the release of my A level results, I'm really grateful for the 'last dinner' Ali has prepared for us, for 940 to take me in for the night, and ultimately for Chua who cabbed over just so to be with me at such, historical moment in my life. Though I doubt I will even remember this day five years down the road, but to a 19 years old, getting the A level result may seem quite a momentous moment given that I have not experience much about life yet. 

And here is it, after undergoing another two years in the Singapore education factory, this is what I earned to bring with me as I climb a step up into the higher education institution. 

   

Frankly speaking it's a little off my expectation, I was hoping, and in fact shamelessly assuming that I will get an A for mathematics. Well looks like Cambridge is telling me something else. Well at least the rest of the subjects falls into my predictions. I guess I got over my disappointment rather quick but it was the disappointment from my mum that made me felt sheepish about it, from her immediate response of "Huh not a single A for H2 subjects uh?" to "Your result so bad where can you go?" to "if people ask for your results, tell them you get 2 Bs and 3 As ho, that's what I telling my colleagues and friends." Well, it kinda hurts to hear that though I tried to cover up with irateness tone in my response. True enough that my results might not be even close to fairly well done, but to the extent that you are ashamed of it to bring it up to your friends is just, well face issues. Hopes and expectations were raised and now they are all hit hard by the reality, I didn't feel guilty until a week later my mum said that given the high chance that I won't be able to get a scholarship she will go teach tuition after her work everyday. Okay now that it sucks big time, not meeting one's expectation is one thing, but having to see someone sacrificing her free time to earn for your tuition fees because they were once confident that you could get sponsorship but not anymore now is another. Sigh. 

Despite all these, I did not buck up and go online to research frantically for course backgrounds, universities, leave alone scholarships or financial aid I'm still eligible for, if any. Well you see, the parents were there to help with applying for sec schools after PSLE; and JAE were handy after O level; now that it comes to after As I'm suddenly left all alone. Whilst many others were busy applying and submitting resumes, the cool me went to Thailand for almost a week, and the procrastination continues everyday, telling myself that I will do it the next day but the day just never comes. And then comes today, when I finally settled down in front of the computer dedicating my time to the application, I then realize the MOE scholarship application closed a week ago, the PA youth leader scholarship closed three days ago and I'm not even eligible to apply for MSF scholarship, it's closed anyway too. Opportunities are indeed for those who are prepared, and for those who seeks for chances around. I guess I really deserve facing all these cold hard truths and hopefully this could be my wake up call. Though I know myself too well that it won't happen, even till now I'm still lamenting at all the tedious procedures for uni scholarships and even financial aids. If it weren't for Fann and Ali I wouldn't even know that I have to send hardcopies of my results to SMU, sigh all I'm hoping now is that I won't miss anything to the extent that I ended up with nowhere to go in Aug. To be honest, I can't wait for university to start. But those old and wise man out there told us that we gotta live in the moment and seek the best out of everyday life. Ah I will try. If it's good, it's wonderful; if it's bad, it's experience. :')