Reality continues to ruin my life.
Honestly the past few weeks passed so quickly that I'm unaware of how much time I have lost. Ever since my internship started life is just chaotic, irregular, and the sad truth is that I did not make my days count. They just past in a daze, or rather wasted to be more specific. There wasn't much significant happening and I do not have any photos to paint some colors to my post. ( It's comforting to some extent that most of my close friends aren't updating their blogs too, which made me feel a little balanced. ) Here I would like to quote something that Alibaba said, if this is a glimpse of the working life, I don't want it anymore. Indeed, but it's all too late now.
I hate how my life is in a mess now. I stopped jotting down notes, I stopped doodling diaries, I lost count of the days and I have no idea what I done everyday, definitely not anything productive or constructive. And I wonder how is everyone else doing, how are they coping with life now. For better or worse. Some days I try to commit to friendship and have simple dinners after work, ( and I'm forever late because work never seems to end on time. ) while others I'm so drained from work that I just want to crash on bed straight, and that's when I fell into the great depression the next day because I wasted yet another precious day of my life. I wish I could do more things, I wish I don't feel so lethargic after work, I wish I had more time to spend with people I love. And those will only remain as wishes.
Perhaps things will get better. Perhaps I will be more adjusted to the work life, in fact it's getting a little better now, just a little though. I carried all my gym stuffs over and hit the gym thrice a week during lunch hours. ( Since there is a gym in the MSF building. ) I read book after books by Mitch Albom during the mundane hours spent travelling everyday. But to be honestly, I don't see what I gain from it, true enough that all those life lessons sets me thinking, topics on death, on conformity, on aging, on society; but so what, once I closed the page I find myself back into this society, I'm under influence of the norms, I get attracted to ads, I remain ugly just as how the society painted us to be. Are we all stuck in this sad predicament that we have no control of who we want to be? Or worst, I don't even know who I want to be. It's a scary thought to realize that one day I'm going to lost myself in all these never ending race of chasing after fame, money and skin-deep beauty. Am I going to become one of those people who I used to sneer at?
What happened to our dreams? will I ended up spending my whole life being a working unit in a skyscraper, facing the computer from 8 to 6; or will I forgo the handsome salary, take a step down from administrative to operational level, and really help the others just like what I always wanted? If I do, will I be envious of my friends who will be earning big bucks living in luxurious houses by then? Will it bring disappointment to all the seniors in the house who foresee me being a white collar employee, will it be a waste of money of everything my mum invested in my studies all these years? I wish people don't put any hopes on me, I wish they could let me choose, watch me fall and get up, instead of directing me onto a road with no obstacles ahead. I wish they let me try out things in life, let me learn the lesson the hard way to better appreciate everything I have got.
Please not let my life go into a waste.
Please do not compare with others.
Please be brave.
Putting aside work, there is some other things that has been bothering me recently too. Things are getting so out of hand that I don't even want to confront my feelings anymore. It's a frightening thought to go back to those days, those tears those frustrations those helpless and insecure nights. I don't have to read back on my past posts to be reminded of those days. It seems that most people move on and move forward while I somehow dug into the past instead. It's strange how you remain as my greatest weakness.
Ohmine, what's becoming of me.
I hate how my life is in a mess now. I stopped jotting down notes, I stopped doodling diaries, I lost count of the days and I have no idea what I done everyday, definitely not anything productive or constructive. And I wonder how is everyone else doing, how are they coping with life now. For better or worse. Some days I try to commit to friendship and have simple dinners after work, ( and I'm forever late because work never seems to end on time. ) while others I'm so drained from work that I just want to crash on bed straight, and that's when I fell into the great depression the next day because I wasted yet another precious day of my life. I wish I could do more things, I wish I don't feel so lethargic after work, I wish I had more time to spend with people I love. And those will only remain as wishes.
Perhaps things will get better. Perhaps I will be more adjusted to the work life, in fact it's getting a little better now, just a little though. I carried all my gym stuffs over and hit the gym thrice a week during lunch hours. ( Since there is a gym in the MSF building. ) I read book after books by Mitch Albom during the mundane hours spent travelling everyday. But to be honestly, I don't see what I gain from it, true enough that all those life lessons sets me thinking, topics on death, on conformity, on aging, on society; but so what, once I closed the page I find myself back into this society, I'm under influence of the norms, I get attracted to ads, I remain ugly just as how the society painted us to be. Are we all stuck in this sad predicament that we have no control of who we want to be? Or worst, I don't even know who I want to be. It's a scary thought to realize that one day I'm going to lost myself in all these never ending race of chasing after fame, money and skin-deep beauty. Am I going to become one of those people who I used to sneer at?
What happened to our dreams? will I ended up spending my whole life being a working unit in a skyscraper, facing the computer from 8 to 6; or will I forgo the handsome salary, take a step down from administrative to operational level, and really help the others just like what I always wanted? If I do, will I be envious of my friends who will be earning big bucks living in luxurious houses by then? Will it bring disappointment to all the seniors in the house who foresee me being a white collar employee, will it be a waste of money of everything my mum invested in my studies all these years? I wish people don't put any hopes on me, I wish they could let me choose, watch me fall and get up, instead of directing me onto a road with no obstacles ahead. I wish they let me try out things in life, let me learn the lesson the hard way to better appreciate everything I have got.
Please not let my life go into a waste.
Please do not compare with others.
Please be brave.
Putting aside work, there is some other things that has been bothering me recently too. Things are getting so out of hand that I don't even want to confront my feelings anymore. It's a frightening thought to go back to those days, those tears those frustrations those helpless and insecure nights. I don't have to read back on my past posts to be reminded of those days. It seems that most people move on and move forward while I somehow dug into the past instead. It's strange how you remain as my greatest weakness.
Ohmine, what's becoming of me.
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