8.

“What's meant to be will always find a way” 
― Trisha Yearwood

To be truthful this is the worst way to end off a relationship so far. I mean no doubt it was a peaceful one and less hurting than let's say, a betrayal. But I just hate how we were in a way forced apart as if we had absolutely no control of it. All these years she is never satisfied with anyone I was fond of, but I have always made it to a point that the past relationships ended due to other reasons instead of her disapproval.I prefer things that way, it feels like we aren't fated to be together,not just because Oh-because-my-mum-doesn't-approve-this-relationship-so-bye-bye. But well, there's no point saying this anymore for I can't fight a imaginary war by myself.Sigh. But,how I wished you would hold me back and tell me that we will walk through this together, like how you had said it before. 

You see this is why I don't like night time, when you start to get reminded of the things people have said before and you realize they aren't happening and will never happen and you got upset with it and you start to tear. And I don't like to see myself falling into this stage because I know all these sadness are just my thoughts mocking me because nothing exactly is happening now. I'm just falling into the Self-pity situation holding onto the past.Agh.

Well you see even though people choose their own path to walk on, but more often than not they will never know if the path they were about to choose is right or wrong.Yes I do yearn for your return everyday now, but no one knows how long this feeling will last, maybe after sometime I find a better guy and I return to thank you, or maybe I stubbornly stayed on the same spot waiting for the right time to come and to welcome you back to my life. That's what some people say right, wrong timing right guy, right timing wrong guy, and I wish my next relationship is at right time with the right guy, and I wish the guy will still be you. But judging from my past experience I'm not exactly such a 'noble' person, maybe you have changed me, maybe I'm still the same. Only time will tells it all.

Uh forget it, all these thoughts is doing nothing but making myself feel even more trapped. Hmm recently I have been burying myself with a number of Self-help books, while some helps,the rest did not. This is one of the passage that I came across today from the book The rules of love and I thought that it's worth posting to set as a reminder to myself; 

Agh frankly speaking I hated staying at home, or at least for this period of time. It felt like I'm imprisoned, I might sound exaggerate, or am I? After putting up with all your acts of scanning through my phone everyday, reading all the damn texts and photos. Now that it seems all these is not enough to satisfy your control over me anymore you start to demand access to all my social networks. And when I refused you brought up the old shit that I-don't-care-about-your-bloody-feelings, you claimed that the whole world can access to my page yet I'm preventing you from viewing it. Oh please, mum. Why don't you question yourself why am I so against it only towards you. I hate it how you think you can control me like a lifeless puppet, all because that you are providing me a living,as of now. I fucking hate it. But because you are my mum and it's basic courtesy to respect your parents so I have no choice but to put up with all these shit. Well, let's view it from a positive prospective it taught me the importance of showing respect of privacy to my own child when I become a mother myself, I believe that this is a mutual thing. No one should be so called superior and everyone should be treat with equality. You respect your children you listen to their opinions and they will respect you back.

I agree with the point brought up by a therapist that the children of today are taught to be rebels. And that's something new because people from the earlier generations came from family structures that did not allow them to rebel. I view it as a good thing that the children questioned their parents and asked "why not". Parents always believe naively that they know more about what is suitable for their children, about what is best for them. While it is true sometimes, but not always. I feel that many contemporary parents tend to protect their children from the problems they might have to face, but if they protect their children from all dangers, children are never going to learn to solve problems by themselves, they create nothing but adults with a terribly painful adulthood.I strongly agree to the stand that we learn best from our own mistakes, you can't spoon-feed someone their whole life telling them what to do or making decisions for them. You should be letting them run as wildly as they want but make sure that they have to take on the responsibility of whatever consequences that comes after it.

Right I realize the post is far too long and I have not blogged about the happy sides of today, not in the mood for it. Agh alright I promise tomorrow's post will be a happier one.