who are you to be?

WARNING: wordy post w/o any conclusion drawn.

I'm sorry that I'm back to this topic again, cause I'm pretty much not over it yet.

It really really badgers me a lot knowing that I don't have a purpose in life or goal or a ideal career for the future.

So I decided to spent tonight, not doing anything, but putting in a little effort, in search of what I really want to achieve in life.

I doubt there will be any outcome tonight but, at least I start looking for it. Not just sit and talk.

So, starting with the dumbest way I suppose being dependent on technology in the 21st century,

my first attempt was typing "how to find purpose in life" on Google, pretty much stupid eh.

And one of the relevant link provided the Top 7 questions to ask to find purpose in your life

So to summarise it kicked off by telling people these three important pointers.

• First, accept that it may take time to find your purpose in life.
• Second, believe that you will know when you find it.
• Lastly, you know you've found your purpose in life when it doesn't revolve around you.

"It's not the bigger house or the shiny new car that will make you happy. These are just goals, but they are not a substitute for your purpose in life. Your purpose in life will bring you happiness and true happiness comes from contributing to other people's lives and making a difference for someone else." - Taken from web.

So yeah, I'm going to start off by answering to the seven questions.

1. Ask Yourself "Who Am I?"

So uh I'm suppose to talk about my so called talents I suppose.

Al right, I've learnt how to swim, roller blade,cycle. (Okay if I were to continue the list is going be exhausted)

sketching for about 2 years and crayon art for another 1 year, I used to play with alarm clocks,

dismantle them and well I'd never manage to make it work again though.

Oh and to answer to what kind of person I am. Well, I'm open, talkative, I lied. I stole my cousin's mechanical pencil,

and 4 dollar from my grandmother to buy a mechanical pencil for myself. (I remember it was green!)

I was playful. (I think all kids were.) I love autumn, and winter, and pretty much for spring and summer actually.

I never had a profound interest for any subject. And, my first ever ambition for as long as I remember was being a teacher, a good teacher.

But it's not the case now, I want to be something more and I'm no longer contented at being a teacher.

Well so to sum everything up, I presume that I had no special, significant and unique gifts since young.

2. Ask Yourself "What Do I Love To Do?"

Uh huh, so what do I enjoy doing. I enjoy, understanding the world better via news, magazines,videos especially.

I'm madly in love with TED talks recently and spending almost an hour on it on an average day.

Furthermore, I enjoy, studying if, and only if I know how to solve it. Okay this is totally getting me nowhere.

I enjoy sea breeze, or rather, travelling around random places without a purpose.

Not so much these years due to hectic school work though. ):

I like to hop on random bus and hop down at random stops and hop on another bus to see where it leads me to.

The worst experience in life was hopping on a bus realising the balance left in my Ez-link is only enough for that particular trip and I have no small changes.

So I took the bus all the way to the last stop, Clementi, topped up my card, and spent another 2 hours travelling back home.

Kay don't digress. I enjoy, being with friends I'm close with. No awkward turtle or etc.

Well I guess everyone is more comfortable with people they are really close. K not making sense again.

I enjoy doodling occasionally but no, design or art will never be my career.

I don't have an avid interest for it and I'm not talented in any way or another. It's just a, hobby.

Oh I enjoy, photography. No in fact I shouldn't put it this way.

Considering that I'm still trying to figure out the difference between aperture,shutter speed and ISO.

I just, kind of admire people who can take great shots with perfect lighting and all,

and I wished that I could take great photos like them too. But becoming a full-time photographer?

I lack the skills, I lack the interest, I don't have the ability. I just, can't. Sigh

(I just realise I'm denying myself from every possibility but I can't help with it, it's just in me that

I can totally prognosticate myself doing drudgery work in a small office building, oh yeah better still, most probably government based.)

I don't dare to dream big you see. the world is so competitive and I have nothing in superior to others,

to make myself special, to stand out among the rest. I'm a normal person with basic human abilities that everyone on earth possesses.

3. Ask Yourself "What Experiences In Life Were Really Fulfilling For Me?"

Talking about times when I were just being myself eh.

Well. This is tough question cause my mind is practically, blank now.

I don't even know who I really am. I don't know how I am like, what I want to pursue.

This is why I am here doing this dumb shit isn't it. Okay. I was being myself, when I speak up for myself.

When I voice out my opinions in PW group which I rarely does.

I loved it when people actually listens to me cause no one does at home.

My mother never given me any chance to speak for myself 'cause she is always right, for she had already gone through "my life"

and she know what is, as according to her, best for me.

Which is again, get an government job, get married to your colleague, best boss, give birth to kids, retire and die, in peace.

But hell knows that not what I want I all. But worse than this is I don't even know what I want exactly.

Which is one of the reason that made me so bothered recently cause it perceive to me that

if I don't come up with my purpose and goal in life. I will ended up becoming what she wants me to be.

So, I suppose I enjoy being a leader sometimes. But once again, what makes me better than others?

why would others wants to listen to me. It only makes sense when smart people are leaders and my results,

Oh come on. How do you convince others that you are capable of being a leader when you can't

manage your own academic well, when you don't have self discipline or good time management.

So, conclusion is that, I can't be a leader. I'm not innovative, not good at decision making,

and I'm timid, to be honest. To even voice out my idea sometimes cause it may seems stupid.

Well great, I'm at question three, barely half done and, this is not leading me to anywhere.

4. Ask Yourself "What Is My Purpose In Life?"

I don't have a fucking purpose isn't this why am I here in the very first place damn it.

Of cause I'll have a road map to follow IF I knew my purpose statement, which contains action, focus and intended impact.

Damn, okay. I will try not to be cliché but there is a high chance I will.

Kay. My purpose in life.purpose in life. purpose.in.life. I want to help those kids in Africa, or rather

any part of the world, I want to help as much as I can to get a tiny little bit of the 2 billion people to go out of poverty.

I want to, travel around the world for I'm aware that I only live once, and the world is enormous.

I don't exactly want to start travelling after retirement, what if I can't live up till that day. what if I'm too old to take a plane even.

I want to, raise up one kid or two, if I were ever married. Raise them up, raise them good.

Though I still remember Ali laughed at me when I said something about my ambition is to raise up a boy and a girl,

yet up till this day I still think it will be a really challenging task to communicate well with your children,

the world is ever changing at a speed it never had before, you got to keep up with the pace of everything,

technology especially, to catch up and to understand mind of the young adults. It's gonna take up a lot of work.

And I am in fact, worrying much that I will not be keeping up with changes in time to come,

by the very own fact that I rather stick to Blogger for the past 5 years or so, when new things like onsugar, wordpress, tumblr came out.

Which undeniably, provides better services and features than blogger. 'Cause I do get angry with the way blogger is organised sometimes.

K I'm way off from answering to the question. And oh, on a side note. I just excluded myself from the so called hip thing now, twitter.

Opps, another step away from connecting with the rest of the world huh.

5. Ask Yourself "What Am I Afraid Of?"

Finally a question that I've got a long list to state, yay :D

Yet on a second thought I realise it actually all sums up into one word, fear.

Fear of failure, fear of incapability, fear of taking risks, fear of stepping into the society cause it's never as sweet as how you imagine it will be.

It seems that there is no space for you to go seek for your so called purpose in life.

It's more of like get a job, get paid every month, and get over and done with it.

Yeah that sounds much more like what's happening on Earth, Or rather, going to happen on me.

But in the meanwhile, it's perceived to me that We need to have dreams, we need to have goals.

Honestly I don't want to waste my life away, I think I've reiterate for numerous time in this post but it's the truth.

Dare to make a difference in life, in my own life and in other's life.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

"If you don't meet a miracle, be one."

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."

"Always do what you are afraid to do."

these are what people around the world told the rest, eminent figures in particular,

I've came cross so many of them that they just come in handy when I think of "Dreaming big

The website ends the question with the following sentence,

"Do you want to be fulfilled? Then feel the fear, and do it anyway."

And I was pondering upon the question of where can I gather the courage to do so,

before it's too late, Oh wait, others say it's never too late. So probably till the day I dies.

Nothing will be left when I dies, therefore I need to have a purpose in life, to fulfil my dream,

which, I'm still seeking for it.

I'm not answering the last two questions cause it's not helping me and it doesn't matter and I've nothing to say frankly speaking.

6. Ask Yourself "Who Can I Tell?"

7. Ask Yourself "How Do I Put My Purpose In Place?"

Al right by the time I am typing this very own sentence the left corner of my laptop shows 12.15am.

So I guess I shall mark a fullstop comma as for now on my long way ahead in seek for purpose in life.

For as far as I know, I will definitely get a job. Being a housewife is emphatically out of the question.

I do believe that I have to be financially independent to pursue my dream, or perhaps, dreams.

And I just thought about the trade off relationship between travelling around the world and raising up kids.

Aww man. Life is never simple. Oh wait no one said it is in the first place.

This brings me to the question "what is life exactly." Oh damn this is never ending, I'm stopping here right now.

From icanread.tumblr.com once again, like always (: