You are my first

It was tonight that I realise I hadn't really dedicate a proper post about you yet,

and now is the time I think I really should, before everything gets blur and you are forgotten,

if there will be such a day, I mean, just if.

And of cause you won't be seeing this anyway (:

It seems such a long time ago, that I first saw you.

Ironically, It was Chad who brought me along to go to his church camp.

A guy who wore oversize and seems thick hoodie came into that stuffy and hot room,

and sat behind me. ( I guess? cause I never really turn back to look at you.)

Our first conversation was nothing special but me asking around who has the song Hot and cold

( Just look at how long ago this was, when Hot&cold was all around th malls.)

You raised your hand lazily and said, I got.

Back then you were still using a sony ericson phone, and I still remember you searched high

and low for the song (cause you had two seperate Memory cards.)

May it be fate or coincident. We were allocated in the same chalet and all of us crowd tgt to play cards.

One by one everyone fell asleep and there are just two of us awake,

we started msging each other when we are less than 1m apart. I find it really cute until this day btw (:

Till today I think it's really that special night we spent together playing UNO and

all sorts of random card games over and over agian made me fell in love with you.

To be exact, it was the moment I opened my eye and saw your face upside down in the middle of the bed.

We were in close contact the next few days.

( when I say close, it means we were seeing each other for consecutively five days. )

You had never asked me to be your girlfriend, you had never really made a proper confession,

but we both somehow just acknowledge the fact that we are in a relationship.

Those days were the happiest days in my life, we meet up everyday, and we talked about nearly everything.

We talked about everything, our family our childhood our life your psychology test in school

my screwed up eoy result my friends my CCA and even, our future..

Everything was right until the first time you threw black face at me,

the time where we suppose to meet at library, I went to tampines library cause I thought it's nearer for your school, while you went to bedok library cause you thought It's nearer for me.

To make the matter worst later on as you made your way to tampine library,

I walked to the interchange to wait for you. And so you kind of got pissed off that day.

Life after that day has never been smooth as before again,

sometimes you will PMS over nothing, sometimes giving me one word replies,

sometimes better still, no replies and you started spamming vulgarities all over the phone.

The vicious cycle repeats by you pms - me questioning - you pissed off - I started crying -

let's break up - Msg each other again - back to normal - quarrels - repeats.

Despite there were many unhappy occasions, whenever I think back to the old times,

all I remember are the good ones, the best christmas I had with you at vivocity,

times we go around eating at our various favourite places, sharing a lolipop in cinema and

ended up kissing, countless nights we spent msging until I fell asleep, me waking up early

and wishes you morning, even walking in malls while swinging our arms up high together

became part of my sweetest memories.

It was the boring moments that we remember the most - Taken from UP.

You aren't the best guy ofcause, neither are you that nice to me.

But, you are the first guy I fell in love with. And that's all it's needed for me to stay in th r/s.

I'm really glad that we shared such a relationship together,

cause to be honest, those crazy things I did with you, those late nights I run home from bustop,

those times I stand up against all of them cause I believe we will be together, always.

I remember telling you again and again "It was your smile that I fell in love with" when you were depressed,

but you had never believe me , you think I'm just trying to make you feel better,

but what you will never understand is that I mean every word of it, and I mean it evertime I told you that.

A lot people have been telling me you aren't good looking, but I really really don't feel the same way,

you look really really really cute when you smile, cause your smile made me smile too.. (:

And that's the best part of the relationship to me.

I loved you. Yes Loved. Means not any more now.

Even though I still think back to the past times, even though I still will reply you the second I saw your msg, even though I will still anticipate your msg, even though I still look forward to going out with you, ( if we ever will again. ). I don't think it's love any more.

I no longer have the determination to fight against the world with you for our love.

I no longer can give up my study and my everything just to be together with you.

Perhaps people names it rationale love, or matured love. But still, I don't love you.

You can be replaced by anyone, just like how I spent nearly th whole of my 2010 without you,

If I meet someone else soon, you will be replaced by another person again.

you.will.always.be.replaced. cause we will never never never be together again,ever.

Typing this had made me cry here and there throughout the whole post,

but it's a wonderful feeling, not sad or sorrow,but happy and I feel really good now.

I.dont.love.you.anymore.

but I still want you secretly, just secretly. That's all...