Collect Moments

To a better self, again.  More time spent on meaningful activities.  More patience.  More love.

 Hrm. Time for a letter to myself.  Age: 30 soon.  Mood: slight worried, but otherwise contented. Slight tinge of melancholic. If not wrong, this space was created in 2007, which makes it 16 years ago. And here I am, still using it. though very occasionally given all the other life commitments, and mostly too idle to update regularly. But it's still a space that I could make use of and come back to in time of need to pen down thoughts like now.   Becoming 30 has been, hrm, a convenient excuse to justify recent spending/splurging on self-care. Laser facials to rejuvenate youth (?), eyebrow embroidery touch up, buying quite a number of new clothes and shoes because 30-should-dress-with-style (?), and other purchases that I couldn't recall.  Becoming 30 also became, hrm, a motivation to get a few to-do-list in life done. Like getting my first tattoo tomorrow, which I am feeling a lil unsure how it will turn out, but que sera? And signing up for a half marathon...

 I went to see you on your birthday, even though I don't think you were there, but it's the only place I could go to. Although it's only been 3 years since your passing, I felt like I have lost you for much longer. Guilt consumed me for the longest time, and deep down I despised my younger self, saying words that hurt you even if unintentional, to the extent that you stopped replying to me ever. Perhaps that's when I lost you. And I never get to make amends ever, until it's too late. What an irony. Here I am seeing you as my closest friend in life, yet fucking things up at end of day. I could have done more, reply better, be there, be more persistent, put in more effort, but I didn't. Perhaps it won't change what have happened, but, I can't even say I tried.  It hurts to think that I never really know you deep down, or cared to understand, it hurts to read our texts in the final years before we broke apart, in the long texts and emails we sent to each ot...

Almost two months have passed since our 2nd overseas trip with ahbao, to Japan in April.  And I think I'm finally ready to pick up my thoughts to record the trip here for.. hmm. safekeeping? To be frank, the trip was difficult. We faced ahbao's meltdowns first hand, on an intensity that we never had. And being on the go, a lot things were not within our control and we had to adapt and react.  When people asked how was the trip when we first returned, all I could recall was the mental and physical tiredness. If anyone were to ask if I enjoyed the trip? I felt like the truth was, ofcause not, you kiddin?? But as 2 months passed, the painful feelings seem to have fade away. And browsing back the album made me realize, ah, it's good that it happened after all? Compared to 9 days of normalcy at home.  It's not like we had to drop all our itineraries and stayed hotel whole day, or fell sick, or had major mishaps, etc. Yes ahbao broke down most days, maybe more than once, but ...

 打从阿包出生算起， 一共落泪两次。  第一次是 她呱呱坠地 的那一刻 - 所有的感情涌上心头。  第二次是今天 未满18个月的她 第一次独自上豆豆班。  把她送到 学校 离别时 没有哭  躲在外面 听到她哭着 找妈妈时 也没有哭  倒是最后 老师 两个小时后 传来了一段视频  顿时 破防 止不住 的开始抽泣  悬着的 一颗心 跟着随之落地  视频里的她 自娱自乐， 和老师互动  原来 她 比我想象中的勇敢 独立  原来 她 没有 一直寻找 我们的身影   喜悦， 惊讶，感动，震撼， 五味参杂，说不出所以然 只有 泪水 一滴滴 滑落  还没 搞清楚 怎么 做 合格的父母 已经 要 开始 学会 放手了呢 明天的 你 又会是哪个 模样？

It's been a month since we have returned from the land of Kimchi, and I thought I should take the free time (read: am down with Covid again) I have now to record the trip here.  We decided on the trip back in July/Aug, given the relaxation of travel borders, and we felt that we should be able to handle ahbao on our own for a couple days? Ofcause we had many doubts and I did a lot of research online, from how to handle baby during flight to her food to clothes layering among many others. We also had friends and family that warned us of the impeding hardship to travel with a small baby, especially if one to fall sick. Looking back, we really count ourself lucky that ahbao stayed healthy and generally happy throughout the trip, despite the change in climate and environment.  Our first hurdle was our red eye scoot flight to Jeju at 1250am. Having imagined how to deal with any discomfort in the ear, or her being cranky/meltdown. Surprisingly she was asleep before we board the plane...